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There have been numerous cases of Kenyan employees downing their tools in demand for salary increases. It began with teachers, who staged protests for weeks before the government teargassed them back to class.

Then came nurses and doctors, who were been on strike for more than three months. They only returned to work after threats of jail term and other unspecified dire consequences were read to them.

Lecturers, too, have been at it, till when they saw what happened to doctors! Every other employer seems to be threatening to go on strike.

Unfortunately, the socially and legally sanctioned industrial actions such as downing tools or going on a go slow have not been bearing fruit. Ever heard the industrial court declare any strike legal? Well, thanks to a new report, seen by Crazy Monday, Kenyans have been getting it all wrong.

The report indicates that grabbing your boss by his or her neck and violently slamming them against the wall while yelling: “I need more cash! Idiot! I need more cash!” is still the best tactic to get one a pay rise! An old school methodology that most Kenyans have been shying away from.

Calling it the most effective method for reaching one’s full earning potential, the report issued last Friday by the Employee Benefit Research Institute went on to heap praise on this tactic, claiming it has no rival, especially in a country that has gold and oil for export worth millions and money is not a problem but corruption.

Empty wallet

“Our research suggests that employees who have the most success in negotiating a pay raise, stride confidently into their boss’ office, grab them by their neck, maintain eye contact as they pin them against a wall, and demand that they immediately start paying them more cash,” said the report’s lead author, Mutai Ngumi, who noted the importance of clearly stating your case — I need more cash — without beating by the bush or hitting the streets or forming WhatsApp group where you whine to no end.

And while at it, for best results, one is supposed to slowly tighten the grip around their boss’s throat, the report insists.

 “We also found that workers who were able to obtain the largest raises threw their supervisor or boss back into his chair and plainly stated that they were not f**king around with him,” Ngumi added.

He went on to say that forcefully taking some of the money from the boss’ wallet, standing over his trembling body, and saying, “this is a good start” before tossing the empty wallet in his face usually secured an employee their desired raise, pap!

Immediately you are done reading this, stroll into your boss’ corner office and try this tactic — of course at your own risk!

 

 

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