Number 1-7: If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer; Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, put it down; Do not cut your hair. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her; Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear;
Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it; Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Angelina Jolie’s lips, the shotgun formation and Tiger Woods.
Number 8-14: Saturday and Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be; Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way; When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really, especially if we are already late; You have enough clothes; You have too many shoes; Crying is blackmail; Your ex-boyfriend (or ex-husband) is an idiot.
15-21 are self-explanatory: Ask for what you want. Let’s be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it! And, No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar or put alerts on the smartphone I bought you; Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes; Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we would be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question; Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for; and remember, a headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. Please see a doctor.
22 through 27 are plain common sense: Foreign films are best left to foreigners; Please check your oil regularly and do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days; If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like muscled Allehandroic soap opera guys; If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Number 28-33 are very informative: Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic. And do not rub the lamp down there if you don’t want the genie to come out because teasing is so yesterday; You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done; not both. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we; Women wearing wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at; It’s also a no-brainer that more women should wear wonder bras and low-cut blouses because we like staring at boobs, it’s therapeutic.
Please don’t stop till you get through 34-40: The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out; Men see in only 16 colours, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color; Pumpkin is also a fruit; If it itches, it will be scratched; Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you; We are not mind readers and we never will be.
Our lack of mind-reading ability is NOT proof of how little we care about you; If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing”, we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, and finally, if we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasise about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her together